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April 12th, 2007 - Karen Kelly

“She’s ruining my life."

We’re moving. My fucking senior year is four months away and we’re moving. I’ve been repeating this like a mantra for about two months. We’re moving to Bumfuck, Nowhere (I’ll later accept the town’s name but we’re about 6 months away from acceptance).

Currently, I’m repeating this mantra on a friend of a friend’s dead grandma’s couch in a garage of a house in what some might consider “a very nice neighborhood”. I'm high on a combo of pills from my friend Rebecca's mom’s medicine cabinet and weed that was produced from some other kid’s backpack.

Note: Don’t trust white kids who carry backpacks at night, and the quality of weed produced from these backpacks is disgusting.

Anyway, my audience is enthralled because, A.), Most of them have lived here their whole lives, and B.), High/drunk people make the best audiences.

There is a rumble of “that is so unfair” and my boyfriend suggests I just move in with him and his parents because he was always a "solid idea man."

At this moment in time I know I am living my best life: I have a solid group of friends, I’m not currently failing anything (#throwsomeDsonthatbitch), and the guy I’m dating is older, drives, and has access to a fake ID. I’ve mastered the art of believable excuses, skipping school, and sneaking in without someone being able to tell I’m inebriated.

I’m pretty sure I’m the smartest and most manipulative person alive which, at 17, for me, is a huge accomplishment. For example, my mom thinks I’m studying at Rebecca’s for a biology final, since Rebecca is on the honor roll and my GPA last semester was 2.1.

Everything is going the way it should be, and now my mother and her “selfish search for a quality career” is threatening to destroy it all. My teenage brain can’t understand why we have to move for the 13th time (this will be the third move since I've started high school), just so she can have some stupid job at some stupid college. Can’t it wait? I’m asking for a school year, not something hard like a car, which by the way she won’t buy me even though all my friends have one.

What I don’t yet realize is that her stupid job is getting me out of toxic situation, because 17 year-olds shouldn’t be failing Algebra, shouldn't be drunk, or high, and dating sketchy older men. What I don’t realize is this stupid job is going to give me an opportunity to go to college (something my 2.1 GPA won't do much for). What I don’t realize is that this stupid job is going to lead me to my best friends, studying abroad, internships, moving across the country, a Super Bowl ring, and thankfully a vision of the world that is so much bigger than a suburban garage.


Karen is a sports professional (don’t ask her for advice on your fantasy team because she sat Tom Brady last year cause she’s petty) occupying space in Seattle, WA. She is also busy posting politically on Facebook, Twitter, and maintaining a fire Instagram feed (don’t @ me). Karen recommends you donate to: Planned Parenthood, ACLU, and/or NARAL. These organizations fight for the rights of all Americans. (You can also hit up my Venmo, living in Seattle ain’t cheap.)



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